Plant Alchemy

And then I told the corn, “You can grow up to be anything you want to be.”

I’ll let you in on a little secret. I told those plants a lie. That corn is still going to grow up to be corn. No matter how hard it tries. It’s going to grow, be picked, shucked, cooked, and on my dinner plate. Excluding any attempts by raccoons to do otherwise, of course.

Not even Harry Potter, wizard that he is, could make the corn be, ummm, not corn. But in a case of real marketing wizardry, Impossible Foods has done the heretofore impossible. They’ve turned vegetables into meat.

What type of twisted alchemy is this, you ask? How can plants be meat? It can’t. Even Nicolas Flamel knows this is impossible.

To further this charade, they’d like their vegetable burger to be placed at the meat counter in grocery stores. This is an abomination. They already have a section for fresh fruits and veggies. I know where those are because you have to go through them to get to the cookie aisle.

The Impossible Burger isn’t all veggies anyway, so it probably doesn’t need to go there, either. It’s a mess of highly processed ingredients, and could easily pass as junk food under any other circumstances.

If you really want to see plants magically transformed into meat, then look no further than a beef cow. Real actual meat as Mother Nature intended. Let’s let meat be meat and plants be plants and corn on the cob always be next to perfectly grilled hamburgers.